Know Thyself -- Can I Do Bad All By Myself?

This video, "Love Drove Me Crazy" by Trete Lo is two parts, but I'm only posting the first, hoping that you will check out the second part. This is about wife abuse. The video focuses on a woman who is tired of being abused and it shows how damaging a bad relationship can be. Some of it is difficult to watch because you see how two people can degrade themselves believing they each have no choice.

It's funny that I came across this on the day that Mary J. Blige was hosting a show to sell her perfume "My Life," which will help to raise money for her organization, FFAWN: the Foundation for the Advancement of Women, Now, inc. When you think about how Mary survived many relationships like this, it is soul enriching to look at Mary, now. She is so strong. It makes me wonder how she can be so full of love. No, that's wrong. It makes me wonder how I can feel that level of love for myself and others. I survived by not being open and loving, not giving others a chance to hurt me. I've lived my life based upon the philosophy that "I can do bad all by myself."



Sometimes, I used to think that there was something wrong with me because of this, but the women around me who professed how good it was to have a man were always the ones in abusive relationships. I never saw a need to exchange my personal freedom for a man who would hurt me. I felt it was better to develop myself and find out who I am. That's why I love this Gladys Knight song, "The Need to Be."



Although I was so glad to see that Tyler Perry had included Gladys in his movie I Can Do Bad All By Myself, I know that women are not meant to be alone. The real questions are how do I find a man that is man enough to allow me to be a woman and when will I feel fulfilled enough to be woman enough to allow a man to be my man? I know where to find the answers -- where all of my answers are-- on the inside of me. The funny thing is that I'm now actually asking the question.

Know Thyself -- A Few Issues with Authority

In my astrological chart, Uranus is in my 6th house. This means that freedom of thought is paramount to me. This has gotten me in so much trouble. Not only can't I stand authority, because of my conditioning from childhood trauma, I lacked the courage to go off on my own.

My hatred of authority has been such a major part of my life that it is making up a major part of my healing process. With having Mercury in Virgo, I have decided to examine thoroughly my attitude toward authority. My mother and tyranny are major themes in this process.

I have been very blessed to go through this journey with my mother as she is on her own personal healing journey. My questions to her have caused her to question the role of authority in her own childhood with her parents and the overseer on the Elerby plantation where she grew up.

I'm so glad that I didn't wait until she was dead to start this journey.

Know Thyself -- Love Your Family

I am unmarried, without children so I always assumed that I loved my mother, siblings, nieces, and nephews. That is something that you are not supposed to question. However, when it came down to it, I didn't treat my family as if I loved them. I was mean and oh so surly. My family was my last consideration.

When I began to study metaphysics, I found that love was a big part of it. During a huge argument with one of my sisters, I had to admit to both of us that I did not love her. In fact, I realized that I could not define love. I was shocked at this because I never question what love meant. I just thought it was a feeling.

I created a definition -- to want the best for someone else and to want them to reach their full potential. I still, however, did not put my family higher on my list of priorities. It wasn't until I gave a talk, one Kwanzaa, on Umoja -- Unity -- that I realized the truth spoken by Dr. John Henrik Clarke during a Q&A session at one of his lectures.

A young man, showing off his prowess as a black revolutionary, asked Dr. Clarke what he could do to help awaken the black community to its heritage. Dr. Clarke told the young man to start with his own family. He said to make sure that his children, wife, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. knew who they were. The young man was very disappointed in this answer. He seemed to want a broader source of recognition, but he had no choice but to accept what was given to him.

During my Umoja talk, I understood that I had not taken Dr. Clarke's advice. All of the problems that we "conscious folks" see that need to be corrected in the community, almost always exist in our own family who some of us (I had included myself) designate as unworthy.

Now, I'm learning to place among my own healing, the healing of my family as my top priority through teaching and acts of love, generosity, patience, and compassion. Ashe, Ma'at!