Tree of Life Meditation System -- Day 13 -- Sebek

Hetep Everyone,

I knew that facing my feelings of unworthiness -- one of my phobias -- would be difficult and that most probably this meditation cycle would not be very smooth. I've impressed myself by posting as consistently as I have.

I know that my feelings of unworthiness stem from trauma that I suffered in my infancy. I discovered this when I was able to heal some other traumas from that period in my life, but I left my feelings of unworthiness to be addressed at another time. That time is now, this meditation cycle.

These feelings of unworthiness manifest themselves in several ways. Here are two:

• I feel as if I cannot protect or take care of myself.
• I feel that I have no authority.

These feelings seem very real to me, causing crippling anxiety. In healing other parts of my traumatic experiences, I was able to eradicate a great deal of anxiety so I have been through these feelings before. The first time was the worst. I could not function.

The hardest part of these anxiety attacks is seeing through the illusion long enough to realize or remember that I not only can make the problem go away, but I can create a different reality. This is theory put into practice -- staring down the face of some of my greatest fears and turning them into amicable strengths.

Some of you will understand crippling anxiety, having gone through it yourself. Others will judge it as weakness or laziness and easily dismiss it. What follows is written for those who have the compassion to continue reading and those who can find some value in what I want to communicate.

From the midst of my anxiety and inaction, something somewhere from deep inside of me calls for the Universe to help me see through the illusion. Since I build up walls to protect and hang on to the anxiety and fear, sometimes it takes a while for a breakthrough. Sometimes, I remember a catalytic thought, allowing me to snap out of the illusion and transform my life and other times, I am simply moved to review my notes where I keep step-by-step details for coming out of an anxiety attack.

This time, I have been fortunate to have been moved to review my notes, some of which I will share with you. Before I do that, however, I need to discuss Amen.

One of the aspects of Amen is that it is the source of all in an unconditioned, formless state of oneness. You can call Amen nothingness, the primordial, the void. Nothing in an Amen state can be identified, because it has no form. This is a paradoxical state because we always exist in this state, and, yet, we don't, because we also are in form and can be identified. This is what makes illusions seem so real and this is the key to breaking through illusions -- remembering, that everything is always in a formless state even as we recognize a form. This is the power of perception.

In the movie, What the Bleep!? - Down the Rabbit Hole (QUANTUM Three-Disc Special Edition) , a wonderful explanation of the vast power of perception is offered. What I gleaned from it is that human thought has the power of an atomic bomb or atomic bombs. This energy is necessary because it is what holds for us reality (matter) into its form.

It gets complicated, but essentially, nothing is solid. We have been trained to detect reality based only upon what our five senses can identify. Our sixth sense (what we've come to call intuition), is our conscious connection to the electromagnetic fields of energy. It is here where we can understand that we have a tremendous power to change what we perceive to be reality. Why? Because ultimately everything is formless until we apply to it meaning and identity. When we consciously control that application, we as creators, change reality. As above, so below.

In the midst of an anxiety attack, this sense of power is unthinkable. Once I am able to break through the illusion of an anxiety attack, I have to consciously work my way back to understanding my power, using the 11 Laws of Maat.

Here is something that I wrote that reading really helps once I come from under the influence of an anxiety attack. I give much credit to What the Bleep!? - Down the Rabbit Hole (QUANTUM Three-Disc Special Edition) and Ra Un Nefer Amen and the affirmations in the Sebek part of his book, Tree of Life Meditation System (T.O.L.M.), pages 222-227.

The wording below is directed at the source of my anxiety attack.

"It is only my belief in you that makes you real and the meaning that I give to you. You are matter held in form by my belief in you. That belief is based upon energy that is more powerful than an atomic bomb or perhaps many atomic bombs. I have been choosing to use that energy to hold your form in tact.

"I now choose to recognize that the energy and my choice of how that energy is to be used represent my likeness to God. This is the power of God inside of me. 'I am the power of God -- not in amount, but in kind. Thus, I am relaxed in the face of the greatest challenges' (Ra Un Nefer Amen).

"By recognizing you as energy/matter and the consciousness/will, empowered by the meaning that I give to you, I can enjoy choosing to change your meaning, and, therefore, your form and function into a reflection that promotes my Divinity -- which is 'an unlimited capacity to manifest and accomplish' (Ra Un Nefer Amen). This all means that I am a creator."

I hope that this information is helpful.

Until next time,
Hetep

Tree of Life Meditation System -- Day 15 -- Heru

Hetep Everyone,

Well, it's happened. The surprise that I told you about in earlier posts has arrived. By surprise, I mean breakthrough. Yesterday, I realized that I had manifested something tangible from the Universe that I had wanted. As a result, I suffered a huge anxiety attack. This has been a repeated pattern in my life which has almost always led to shut downs and self-sabotage (We all handle things in different ways.). Thanks to the Tree of Life Meditation System (TOLM), I was able to recognize the source of anxiety and the symptoms of an oncoming attack.

The source of the attacks is trauma that I suffered during my infancy. Please don't ever think that because babies can't talk that they can't remember. Our brains are so powerful that they hold the memories of experiences of all our lifetimes. We just don't know how to access those memories. Okay, that's not true. This meditation system has that potential. My point is that what happens in our infancy has a huge effect on what kind of adults we become.

I heard a story, I think that it was told by Runoko Rashidi in one of his lectures, about some French scholars who went to Africa to study how Africans raise their children so that the Europeans could help them improve. The French folks discovered that the African children were far more advanced than European children, comparatively. One example, if my memory is correct, was that the African children were potty trained at six months. What was the explanation for this? The children never went without being touched. Even at night, someone always had a loving had on them, reassuring them of their connection to everyone else.

Conversely, here in America, one of the sayings that I've always heard when it comes to babies in the black community is, "Put that baby down! You'll spoil her!"

Dr. Frances Cress Welsing, in her book The Isis Papers recommends giving children unlimited access to your lap (Lap Time) until the age of 4, letting them decide when they're ready to get down.

I'm saying all of this because in our community we have been so far removed by slavery and segregation from the way that our ancestors reared us, that the European ways of neglect seem natural. Worse, hidden deep in our closets are the residual effects of slavery and segregation. I'm talking about child molestation.

This is some old European evil, that must be exposed if we are to heal it and get rid of it.

I remember watching this Katherine Hepburn movie called The Lion in Winter. The movie is set among their royalty in 1183 A.D. They talk about raping young boys like its some sort of delicacy (champagne, caviar, and a little boy, instead of a cigar). It was their nonchalant acceptance of such behavior, spoken within the same context of Christianity, that got me. If it happened among the royals, then it certainly got passed down to the wannabes. Don't even think of telling me that this didn't happen in slavery and that it still doesn't happen.

I believe that most people think that molestation is a female problem, but gender doesn't matter. Slavery brought this to our community and it is still running rampant, perhaps even more now than ever so this post is for everyone.

My mother suffered from what we today call postpartum depression, but she had always suffered from a mild form of mental illness stimulated by growing up during segregation in Shreveport, LA. She suffered a severe breakdown and couldn't take care of us. My father left us with people he trusted so that he could work two jobs. I don't think he ever knew what happened to us. My mother recovered enough to take care of us, but her childhood mental illness was left unchecked so we grew up with even more trauma. However, because of my dad and the fact that my mother's "episodes" were spaced out, although, sporadic, we also had a great deal of American "normalcy." My father died when I was 13. My mother didn't really begin to get the help she needed until I became an adult.

It wasn't for lack of trying. My mother always knew she needed help, but the doctors were white and uncaring. It took her decades to find the right kind of help. She never stopped searching (Applause, Please!).

The effects of her illness, attacks from trusted loved ones, and my father's death at an early age have left my siblings and me devastated, not to mention the succeeding generations. But we persist.

My objectives with the TOLM system so far have been largely to heal the trauma of my childhood and my relationship with my mother, the effects of which have been stupendous. My mother is receptive to anything that will help her heal and astute enough to reject what will not help. The insights that have been revealed to me during the TOLM system have helped us both to heal beyond measure.

Now, it seems that it is time to heal the adult trauma that I have inflicted upon myself through anxiety and self-sabotage.

Normally, I would have interpreted yesterday's anxiety attack as a huge failure and shut down completely, unable to do anything, feeling worthless, inept, and every negative name in the book that you can think of. Because of my success with the TOLM, however, I didn't do this. Set and I (as Heru)went to war and last night, Tehuti loaned me his eye. I'm talking about the metaphorein from Ra Un Nefer Amen's Metu Neter vol. 2, p. 137-160.

Previous cycles of the TOLM system had already revealed to me that my anxiety stems from the cry of the baby girl inside of me who new that no one was going to come to her rescue in the midst of the worst of the worst. Why then would I have my worst anxiety attack of the cycle when I received something that I wanted very much?

For forty years, my expectations in life have been based upon the fact that no help would come. This has tainted my perception of what "help" is. Even when I have been able to recognize "help" as help, I've felt unworthy of it. If I accepted help, I would sabotage it just to prove my unworthiness.

Understanding this blessed insight isn't enough. I've got to change the beliefs that feed it. That means that this meditation cycle has officially shifted focus from my original objective of obtaining money to healing my anxiety. That is not to say that the money won't come, but it is no longer the prize. Ashe!

I need to say something here about compassion. Our people (the African diaspora) have suffered and lost so much at the hands of Europeans and wannabes. Now, when we have the capacity to assess what has happened to us, our brightest scholars are so blinded by hopes of European-influenced opulence that we are seemingly unable to cohesively understand what has happened to us. Even the "conscious" brothas and sistas, are blinded by European assessments of our responses to trauma. You never know what someone is going through or why. We are all different and we all incarnated with different strengths, weaknesses, and agendas. Be compassionate in your assessment of others without judging too quickly or too harshly. If any people deserve a second look and reconsideration, it's us by us.

That's it for now. Until next time,
Hetep

Tree of Life Meditation System -- 14 -- Het-Heru

Hetep Everyone,

Last night's meditation concerned Het-Heru. At this stage, each meditation has specific objectives. Here are the Het-Heru objectives from Ra Un Nefer Amen's Tree of Life Meditation System:

• To develop the ability to invoke emotions, especially joy, at will.

• To develop the awareness that our imagination is the means through which we cultivate our emotions, and is therefore the source of our wishes, wants, and supposed needs.

Let's start with the first objective. For some reason, throughout all of the meditation cycles that I've performed, I just haven't focused on this one too much. I think it has quite a lot to do with lack of belief that it's really possible to go from say anxiety to joy at will. It's one of the things I intend to work on. Until such time, I will admit that with all of the trauma in my life that has led to my having life-long crippling anxiety, the time between attacks and recovery has greatly lessened since I've been using the meditation system and this is without having anxiety recovery as a specific objective. That's life-changing.

Now, for the second objective -- This one is easier for me to reason out...I am to become consciously aware that I use my imagination to cultivate my emotions. Our imagination are very easy to change when we are consciously aware that we are using it. The problem is that we aren't always aware that our emotions are fed by our imagination.

Okay, I'm feeling anxious about something that I want to do, but believe that it will not manifest so my imagination of disappointment feeds my anxiety and I get locked into being anxious like it's a reaping loop. I get so locked into my emotion that I am unaware of anything else. This is why awareness must be cultivated through mediumistic trance and a program like the meditation system. This will make it easier to detach myself from my emotions and concentrate on the fact that my emotions are fed by illusions from my imagination. It's a way to understand that my anxiety is not real, but based upon something that is as insubstantial as smoke.

My theme for this meditation cycle is to manifest money that I want. I discovered through the earlier part of the cycle that the images I've been running through my mind have not been supportive of my desires. Anxiety has been such a severe problem throughout my entire life that, as I stated in an earlier post, I may need to have this as a theme for an entire cycle. I don't know yet, and, probably won't know until the end of this cycle. Will I finally stop allowing anxiety to stop me from manifesting the money I want? I can't wait to find out.

In the meantime, I must persist as imperfectly as I do, trusting that the meditations will leak through to my waking consciousness as experience has taught me to be possible.

That's it for now. Until next time,
Hetep