Hetep Everyone,
I want to talk about a subtle change that I've noticed within me. When I first started studying black consciousness, I didn't study spirituality. I studied history and all of the other social sciences that showed what had happened to us as a people. While I was doing this, a practiced the rituals that others around me were doing like honoring the ancestors and saying, "Peace," to other conscious folks, giving them general respect. Deep down, however, I felt an anger so intense that I couldn't even identify it as despair and powerlessness.
From my traumatic childhood alone I felt powerless, but to add on top of this the trauma of what has happened to us as a people filled me with hopelessness so profound that it was unfathomable and unrecognizable. I was simply existing.
One day, I was so low that I felt I was being swallowed up by blackness. A question came to my mind, "What do you know that is real?" You see, I felt that my world was inverted. Everything seemed inside out. An answer to the question surfaced from deep inside of me, "Movement -- energy."
From then on, I wanted to understand what God really was and what gave our Egyptian ancestors the power to do all that they did, including building the pyramids. I wanted to access that power and use it to fight our enemies and restore Mama Africa. This has been a very long journey for me with unexpected results, but just like doing a meditation cycle, you get what restores your balance, not necessarily what you ask for.
The ancestors used spiritual power to manipulate physical energy. This power is sacred and extremely subtle and very easy to overlook. You will never access it if your heart is filled with those negative emotions like anger, hatred, fear, etc. The power is "Love" and it is feminine; this is why it is so subtle. It is the love that brings the harshest criminal down on his knees in front of his mother and begs for mercy and redemption. You know the healing power of a loving mother's hand on such a head.
Given my childhood, I never learned to believe in this power. Given the position of African people around the globe, I never learned to believe in this power, but I wanted to believe in it, desperately.
For the first time since I began to conduct consecutive Tree of Life Meditation cycles, I honestly feel that I may be gaining the experiences needed to begin to believe in this power -- not on the surface, but in my heart so that my actions come from this knowledge as instinctively as blinking my eyes. It's been a long wait. I just want to cultivate this feeling so that it continues to grow.
With this budding feeling of power, I no longer wish to warehouse those feelings of anger that consumed me like an inferno. I just want peace, harmony, and balance. This does not mean that I ignore the "bad" things in life. It means that I know that I have to power to influence them to change.
As I near the end of this meditation cycle, I am proud of my progress. So far, I have not manifested the cash money I asked for, but what I received has been much more valuable -- diminishing fear of not having the money; knowing that money is only a symbol for the goods and services I would purchase with it; and, knowing that there are more ways of getting what I need besides direct purchases -- alliance with those who can assist me. Ashe!
This is all for now. Until next time,
Hetep
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