Tree of Life Meditation System -- Day 15 -- Heru

Hetep Everyone,

Well, it's happened. The surprise that I told you about in earlier posts has arrived. By surprise, I mean breakthrough. Yesterday, I realized that I had manifested something tangible from the Universe that I had wanted. As a result, I suffered a huge anxiety attack. This has been a repeated pattern in my life which has almost always led to shut downs and self-sabotage (We all handle things in different ways.). Thanks to the Tree of Life Meditation System (TOLM), I was able to recognize the source of anxiety and the symptoms of an oncoming attack.

The source of the attacks is trauma that I suffered during my infancy. Please don't ever think that because babies can't talk that they can't remember. Our brains are so powerful that they hold the memories of experiences of all our lifetimes. We just don't know how to access those memories. Okay, that's not true. This meditation system has that potential. My point is that what happens in our infancy has a huge effect on what kind of adults we become.

I heard a story, I think that it was told by Runoko Rashidi in one of his lectures, about some French scholars who went to Africa to study how Africans raise their children so that the Europeans could help them improve. The French folks discovered that the African children were far more advanced than European children, comparatively. One example, if my memory is correct, was that the African children were potty trained at six months. What was the explanation for this? The children never went without being touched. Even at night, someone always had a loving had on them, reassuring them of their connection to everyone else.

Conversely, here in America, one of the sayings that I've always heard when it comes to babies in the black community is, "Put that baby down! You'll spoil her!"

Dr. Frances Cress Welsing, in her book The Isis Papers recommends giving children unlimited access to your lap (Lap Time) until the age of 4, letting them decide when they're ready to get down.

I'm saying all of this because in our community we have been so far removed by slavery and segregation from the way that our ancestors reared us, that the European ways of neglect seem natural. Worse, hidden deep in our closets are the residual effects of slavery and segregation. I'm talking about child molestation.

This is some old European evil, that must be exposed if we are to heal it and get rid of it.

I remember watching this Katherine Hepburn movie called The Lion in Winter. The movie is set among their royalty in 1183 A.D. They talk about raping young boys like its some sort of delicacy (champagne, caviar, and a little boy, instead of a cigar). It was their nonchalant acceptance of such behavior, spoken within the same context of Christianity, that got me. If it happened among the royals, then it certainly got passed down to the wannabes. Don't even think of telling me that this didn't happen in slavery and that it still doesn't happen.

I believe that most people think that molestation is a female problem, but gender doesn't matter. Slavery brought this to our community and it is still running rampant, perhaps even more now than ever so this post is for everyone.

My mother suffered from what we today call postpartum depression, but she had always suffered from a mild form of mental illness stimulated by growing up during segregation in Shreveport, LA. She suffered a severe breakdown and couldn't take care of us. My father left us with people he trusted so that he could work two jobs. I don't think he ever knew what happened to us. My mother recovered enough to take care of us, but her childhood mental illness was left unchecked so we grew up with even more trauma. However, because of my dad and the fact that my mother's "episodes" were spaced out, although, sporadic, we also had a great deal of American "normalcy." My father died when I was 13. My mother didn't really begin to get the help she needed until I became an adult.

It wasn't for lack of trying. My mother always knew she needed help, but the doctors were white and uncaring. It took her decades to find the right kind of help. She never stopped searching (Applause, Please!).

The effects of her illness, attacks from trusted loved ones, and my father's death at an early age have left my siblings and me devastated, not to mention the succeeding generations. But we persist.

My objectives with the TOLM system so far have been largely to heal the trauma of my childhood and my relationship with my mother, the effects of which have been stupendous. My mother is receptive to anything that will help her heal and astute enough to reject what will not help. The insights that have been revealed to me during the TOLM system have helped us both to heal beyond measure.

Now, it seems that it is time to heal the adult trauma that I have inflicted upon myself through anxiety and self-sabotage.

Normally, I would have interpreted yesterday's anxiety attack as a huge failure and shut down completely, unable to do anything, feeling worthless, inept, and every negative name in the book that you can think of. Because of my success with the TOLM, however, I didn't do this. Set and I (as Heru)went to war and last night, Tehuti loaned me his eye. I'm talking about the metaphorein from Ra Un Nefer Amen's Metu Neter vol. 2, p. 137-160.

Previous cycles of the TOLM system had already revealed to me that my anxiety stems from the cry of the baby girl inside of me who new that no one was going to come to her rescue in the midst of the worst of the worst. Why then would I have my worst anxiety attack of the cycle when I received something that I wanted very much?

For forty years, my expectations in life have been based upon the fact that no help would come. This has tainted my perception of what "help" is. Even when I have been able to recognize "help" as help, I've felt unworthy of it. If I accepted help, I would sabotage it just to prove my unworthiness.

Understanding this blessed insight isn't enough. I've got to change the beliefs that feed it. That means that this meditation cycle has officially shifted focus from my original objective of obtaining money to healing my anxiety. That is not to say that the money won't come, but it is no longer the prize. Ashe!

I need to say something here about compassion. Our people (the African diaspora) have suffered and lost so much at the hands of Europeans and wannabes. Now, when we have the capacity to assess what has happened to us, our brightest scholars are so blinded by hopes of European-influenced opulence that we are seemingly unable to cohesively understand what has happened to us. Even the "conscious" brothas and sistas, are blinded by European assessments of our responses to trauma. You never know what someone is going through or why. We are all different and we all incarnated with different strengths, weaknesses, and agendas. Be compassionate in your assessment of others without judging too quickly or too harshly. If any people deserve a second look and reconsideration, it's us by us.

That's it for now. Until next time,
Hetep

Know Thyself -- Who Do You Think You Are?

One of my mother's favorite admonishments to me during my childhood, after I had said something smart-alecky, was, "Who do you think you are?" This of course was a rhetorical question which I knew better than to answer. The question really meant, shut up before you find yourself at Winnfield Funeral Home up the street. I was reminded often that she carried an insurance policy on me. Once, and only once, I got up the nerve to remind her that if she killed me, she would go to jail to which she quickly replied that she didn't care and that she brought me into this world and she could take me out of it.

So many jokes in the black community have been made about this typical interchange between parent and child that we really don't stop to examine the cruelty of it on both sides. The cruelty goes back to slavery, of course, but the demand for respect is ancient. In African Societies, children would have to go through rites of passage in which they were trained and tested in preparation for entering adulthood.

This Hugh Masakela song, African Secret Society, explains the South African tradition for rites of passage for young girls.

Slavery reduced that tradition to a backhand across the mouth or threats of other violence, seemingly always with the admonishment, "Who do you think you are?" -- the question being raised by overseers as well as parents.

What do you say in such a hostile, degrading situation? "I'm nothing? I'm less than you are? I am what I am?" Any answer would provoke violence. This was a typical question from slavery and segregation. A look or movement with the slightest hint that suggested equality could get you killed. Take that last statement literally. The book, 100 Years of Lynching, shows how easy it was for black people to get killed during segregation alone. For what happened during slavery, you would have to read slave narratives.

When you are forced repeatedly throughout your childhood to silently admit your own worthlessness in response to "Who do you think you are?" -- a question raised by parents who were field hands perpetuating a legacy from hundreds of years of abuse -- how do you ever develop a healthy sense of self-worth?

It ain't easy.

Know Thyself -- Juneteenth and the Struggle for Justice

I come from Field Negro stock. This means that my parents were survivors of segregation and descendants of African slaves who were kidnapped from Africa and forced to work in the fields as sources of free labor. Field work was the most brutal. Frederick Douglass gives a detailed description of the differences between slaves who worked in the Big House and those who worked in the fields in his slave narrative, Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass. In either case, there was no guarantee of justice. A slave could be killed or maimed without provocation or redress. This type of beastliness extended itself to segregation, although, news of a particularly fiendish murder could be reported in the black newspapers with a demand for an investigation. The results were almost always the same -- impunity.

Today, so little African-American history is taught that such claims would seem ridiculous or, at best, told as if the occurrences were rare when in fact they were probably as frequent as gang violence is today. Certainly, this is an ironic analogy, since for hundreds of years, whites killed us or forced other blacks to do the job for them. Now, we blacks kill one another voluntarily and whites wonder why we do it.

Being the daughter of parents who grew up picking cotton in the fields, I am the recipient of many legacies of slavery, one of which is having things taken from me, specifically, things that I had worked for. My mother had no problem taking my money and material possessions and giving them to family members who she thought needed them more. After all, so many things had been taken from her and she felt her cause was worthy. Unfortunately, this taught me that other people were more worthy than I and it has subsequently caused a great deal of conflict within the family.

After my siblings and I grew up, my mother began counseling and made it her mission in life to bring us all into counseling in order to heal the family. We're still working on this. However, concerning my own issues from a lack of self-worth, I first had to learn that this belief in my lack of worth was why I made certain decisions in my life. Being described as lazy, fearful, unmotivated, etc. has been an injustice to the quality of my life as measured by the source -- lack of self-worth, taught to me by my mother, who inherited this belief from slavery.

Thanks to my mother's efforts to bring the family closer together through counseling and my knowledge of black history, my mother and I are making great strides at healing and redemption. Unfortunately for the United States as a whole, there can be no redemption, no justice, as long as it denies and dismisses its responsibility for what happened to African-Americans during slavery.

Know Thyself through Your Work

Another difficult lesson for me from the Metu Neter concerns the will, as in will power. You may have some problems with this as well. For some people, they are very focused and are able to achieve what they set their minds to. I used to envy such people and try to emulate them, but things beyond my control kept cropping up like...Life -- family crises, crippling anxiety, poverty, low self-worth, resentments, gang warfare in the neighborhood, uncertainties about God, etc. It's hard to focus when you've got these types of issues circling all around you.

From my horoscope and readings from the oracle of Tehuti, I learned that using my will power to achieve material success was not my first priority. This was an extremely difficult concept to embrace, especially living in the United States where your worth is measured by your bank account. What a mind job this did on me because I could see the truth of these readings. This is the type of truth that keeps you from wanting to look in the mirror. "Forget about material success," Truth said. "Take care of your issues first."

What am I supposed to live on while I'm doing this, was my question. A friend of mine laughed at me once when we were discussing this. He said that things have a way of taking care of themselves. This answer was even worse. I like to see how things will work out, then take action. I had to admit the truth, however, that I never liked what I saw. My vision had been too clouded by all of the negative issues I was living with. The only way to clear my vision was to deal with my negative issues. There has been no way around it. Believe me, I've looked.

Now, I have family elders who survived segregation and remember ancestors who survived slavery. They understand physical labor, certainly not mental or emotional work or even spiritual work. They learned to leave all of these things in the hands of "The Good Lord." This means that they have very little appreciation for what I'm experiencing. How do I handle this? Let's just say that as my understanding grows so does the quality of my response.

The systems of the slave trade, slavery, and segregation, as I see them, are all a part of a time that I call "winter" -- ruled by the white man. In order for me to settle this in my mind, I had to look at things on a galactic scale, beyond the earth and solar system. Winter has lasted for millenniums and we are nearing the end of it. The earth cannot sustain the drain of natural resources that the "work" of winter inflicted. No longer can we work without conscience.

Europeans would have us believe that man has always lived in conflict, but not by a long shot is this the truth. The nature of man is peace not conflict. This is why the work of winter is breaking down. So many people like me are stopping to take care of those negative issues which will bring us out of winter. I feel honored to be among this group. Truthfully, though, I have to keep reminding myself to feel honor. After all, I still live in a world that honors the bank account above all else. But I keep striving.

Nappy or Straight -- Does It Really Matter? Part 1

This post falls under the category of re-Africanizing black education. What does black education have to do with hair? Quite simply, we need to study our hair. Your hair is a major part of your identity. It makes all sorts of statements about how you feel about yourself. Because so much can be said about this, looking at it from so many different angles, let's just look at the nappy or straight issue.



The first thing we need to look at is why nappy or straight is an issue. The answer to this question can be summed up in one word -- Slavery. Slave holders had to ensure that black people would not organize rebellion among themselves. The best way to do this was through divide and conquer -- pitting slave against slave. Through massive rapes of black women, the resulting children were lighter in skin color with finer textured hair and aryan features. Those who looked closer to being white were valued more and treated a little better, especially if they were willing to cooperate with the plantation system.

There are many scholars who talk about the systematic destruction of black unity. One of the best descriptions of this is in The Willie Lynch Letter And The Making of A Slave. When you read this very short, but poignant book, you will nod your head in agreement with what you know to be true of the black community today. It will help you to connect the hidden dots that link together the legacies of slavery with your present reality.

During slavery, in general, the darker you were, the more kinky your hair, the more African features you had, the worse you were treated. For women, the humiliations were unbearable -- the rapes, the forced breeding, the name calling, the dehumanizing tasks they were forced to do. You saw some of these things in movies from the seventies like A Woman Called Moses.

There is a scene in this movie when Harriet is talking to her husband. He's scared and feeling desperate thinking he will not be able to get his freedom papers renewed and he takes it out on her, attempting to humiliate her. Cicely Tyson, who plays Harriet Tubman makes this incredibly expressive movement. I've seen this among black women often. She does this shrug and adjusts her ragged clothes. Her hair is tied with another rag. The movement says, "I know how I look, but this is the best that I can do. Yeah, your words hurt, but I am not going to let them kill me." It's a movement that preserves dignity.

Black women have suffered so much humiliation and African hair was a major target for creating shame in black women. Jiggaboo, nappy-headed, Aunt Jemima -- you know the names. Perhaps the worst of it all was the pervasive, ubiquitous images of black women smiling, skinnin' and grinnin' as if they liked it. These were masks that our ancestors had to wear just to save their lives, the lives or family members, or save someone from being sold off.

When you start connecting those dots, you may find that black women are still wearing the mask and for similar reasons -- survival. It's called, "Playing the game." To earn a living, you straighten your hair and you adopt European standards of beauty. I guess a lot of Sistahs who go natural feel like they are removing that mask and the gross humiliations that lie beneath it.

The controversy starts when we judge one another -- nappy or straight. This judgment only serves to keep us divided, much to the benefit of the dominant society. Don't you think that this time and energy could be better spent on trying to figure out how we can keep our children from killing one another?